When the time comes to take the romance to the bedroom this Valentine's Day, there's nobody you want on your side more than R. Kelly. Sure, he'll probably steal your girlfriend and then pee on her, but he's got a grasp on human sexuality that none of us can match. Here at Stereotude, we're fully committed to the healthy and numerous sexual endeavors of our readers. To help you out, we've created eight Valentine's Day cards graced with R. Kelly lyrics from his album Black Panties. You're welcome to use them in your pursuit of love. Cupid, aim your bow.
1) Taken from the aptly titled "Cookie," these lyrics highlight the sexual energy of both Muppets and crustaceans.
2) This 'lil nugget of booty-centric love is from the track "Throw Money On You." Aww. Let's hope she's not allergic, otherwise you'll have to stab her with your EpiPen (not a euphemism).
3) This next one is best dropped mid-coitus. It's from the track "Genius."
4) Girls like confidence. This next line will let a girl know that you're in demand. This is from a track called "Marry The Pussy." We hope 'The Pussy' is into polygamy!
5) Holla at me if your girl hits them low notes. You know, them real low notes. This is from a track titled "Every Position." Hint: It's not about yoga!
6) No imagery turns women on more than a dog eating food out of a bowl. Give a ho dat Fido Fever with "Legs Shakin'."
7) The first rule to getting laid is: make huge promises about your sexual prowess. Here's another one from "Every Position."
8) The second rule to getting laid is: mention R. Kelly as much as possible (Hint: This works better if you are R. Kelly).
If you still need more help sealing the deal, here's Benedict Cumberbatch reading some of these lyrics aloud: